Asylum for the Unoriginal
by Metal Butter
Summary: A collection of overused story plots. In essence, a cliche compendium. Inspired by Evilism's Wintergreen.  Kudos to you.  A big block of crack, but who doesn't like crack?
1. Chapter One: As Luck Would Have It

**A~N: I just came over from reading one of the best fics in another fandom(Artemis Fowl), and the author, Evilism, invited, nay, urged, others to make their own cliché compendiums. I couldn't resist, so here we are. I own nothing. If your story or username is in this and you are offended, I am sincerely sorry. I just like to type in random usernames that I don't think exist, but if they exist, I truly apologize. But I'm not removing it. I think it's as funny as—**

**Asylum for the Unoriginal AKA Wintergreen Naruto Style**

**True Love** (retch)

Summary: Hinata confesses to Naruto. With a twist.

Naruto is in training ground 193587 by himself. His shirt is off and sweat is pouring down his nonexistent well-defined muscles. He is in the middle of throwing a shuriken at a random bull's-eye affixed to a tree branch, when, suddenly, he sees Hinata hiding behind a tree.

"What are you doing there, Hinata?" Naruto is completely oblivious to the hints of stalkery associated with hiding behind trees.

The story skips multiple paragraphs and Hinata is straining to say something. The author says 'straining' since she(Hinata) had swallowed five very big riceballs before the start of the story, and these are all stuck down her throat. "N-n-naruto-kun, I-I. . ."

But Naruto is eyeing somewhere near her person. He licks his lips hungrily, and Hinata turns even redder at the action. Miraculously, she does not faint. "N-Naruto-kun, I love y-you!" she exclaims.

Naruto looks at the same spot , and replies, "I love you too!"

Hinata cries tears of joy until she remembers that she is holding a bowl of delicious, steaming ramen for no reason, and Naruto is staring at it passionately. She dies inside. BUT! There is more.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Hinata. I thought you were the ramen speaking. Please do not tell anybody this, as Sasuke may become jealous."

"Y-you're—you're—g-g-ga—"

Suddenly, Sasuke Uchiha comes along on his sparkling white unicorn, sweeps Naruto up into a bridal position, puts him on the unicorn, and they gallop off into the sunset, making out all the way. They live happily ever after.

Meanwhile, Hinata becomes an emo(goffik) dedicated to eyeliner and crying over pictures of Naruto. The end.

Reviews: 4

Walnut: What the hell.

NARUHINAFOREVER: WTF OMG U SHOULD DIE BCUZ HINATA IS SO AWSUM AND I HATE YAOI

HinaRocka: You should write Hinata better. Also I am confused as to why she is holding a bowl of ramen. (Ignores the obvious explanation)

Noob: I saw the My Immortal(gasp) reference. O U.

**Abused**

Summary: Naruto is abused by the villagers and somebody rescues him. With a twist.

Naruto Uzumaki is walking in a completely secluded part of the village. It is a place behind the Hokage monument completely overgrown with trees, ferns, and other flora not yet discovered. He is whistling merrily with his hands in his pockets, enjoying the view of a particularly angry man-eating plant reminiscent of Seymour, when he feels a vibration in the earth.

At first, being the illogical idiot he is used to being called, he thinks it is an earthquake, but all too soon, he recognizes the faint, incomprehensible shouts of villagers. It is an angry mob.

Having no time at all to think about an escape route, Naruto starts running straight in front of him. He waits for the villagers to be eaten by the carnivorous and hungry plants, but the rumble of furious footsteps does not recede. The distant cries of "Demon brat!" are now faintly audible.

The not-right-in-the-head civilians with their sharp machetes start flailing their weapons every which way, occasionally killing one of their own, but more often cutting man-eating pitchers off their vine-like structures. The poor plants scream blue murder and for Naruto to avenge them.

Naruto runs down the side of a cliff that simply appears from nowhere. His 'followers' rebuke him and also run down the side of the cliff, thus forcing him to run up the Hokage Monument. The aforementioned 'followers' also run up the huge Mount Rushmore parody, and Naruto begins to wonder if they had been trained in the shinobi arts.

On the top of the Hokage monument, Naruto runs into a huge tree. This gives the villagers time to catch up to him and start stomping on him, breaking at least 1,948,325 bones in the process, splitting his lip in 2,754 places, disfiguring his nose, and accidentally cutting off three of his fingers by accident. These painful injuries, accompanied by the bruises he got from running into the tree, are enough to make the reader retch and/or reach for a tissue and wipe their tears off their eyes. If not, the reader is laughing their butt off and/or has no heart.

Suddenly, there is a shining light and the villagers back away in fear. The figure in the light kicks butt, Chuck Norris style, and is revealed to be Sasuke, who had previously arrived on his sparkling white unicorn, and he sweeps Naruto up into a bridal position, puts him on the unicorn, and they gallop off into the sunset, making out all the way, even though Naruto looks like nothing but a bunch of broken bones, torn skin and spattered blood. They live happily ever after. Note that majority of this paragraph was copied and pasted. The end.

P.S. Naruto was probably never abused like this. He was chased by mobs, true, but he wasn't beaten to death. Unless the Sandaime was extremely incompetent. Thank you for this bit of information, alethiophile, although neither of us know each other.

Reviews: 2

Lolzorx: Yay SasuNaru lol!

Kalianna9842: I luv it plz update and this is so sad

**Bulimia**

Summary: Sasuke is an anorexic emo. Sadly, no twist. AU.

Sasuke Uchiha, ever the dejected—bah, I can repeat the same thing lots of times, can't I?—emo, is in a convenience store. He buys a million swirly lollipops and a billion Twinkies. The Twinkies are oddly rainbow-colored. Sasuke bought them for their color.

Actually, the Twinkies are normally-colored, and the only thing that makes them rainbow-colored, at least to Sasuke's eyes, are the massive amounts of crack he inhales every morning behind Itachi's back. Sasuke angsts about the fact that Shino the Drug Dealer doesn't think he is beautiful(Sasuke thought Shino was gay. Shino is not gay.) as Naruto, the guy at the check-out counter, lifts the carton of skim milk. The action brings tears to Sasuke's eyes. He pleads to God, '_Why wasn't I born as skim milk? It's so beautiful, it needs no love, it's healthier than 2%—'_

Naruto is immediately _**not**_ weirded out. First this guy in tight black jeans and a Metallica t-shirt wearing _eyeliner_ of all things comes in, then he picks up a carton of skim milk, a million swirly lollipops and a billion Twinkies, then he just starts crying when he looks at the aforementioned carton of skim milk. In a normal universe, Naruto would have been freaked out and tried to escape, but since this is fanfiction, he does not try to run away, as terrifying as the image in front of him is. Instead he interrupts the Uchiha's thoughts, asking him if he is okay. "Are you okay? You seem. . . sad."

Sasuke looks up and is immediately hit with love for the boy. '_Oh, he's so perfect, the way his hair shines in the light of the cheap fluorescent lamps, the way his eyes glitter with the power of a quadrillion suns! How magnificently tanned he is, and oh! Those whisker marks are the marks of a god!'_ Naruto is nonplussed with the drooling and ogling directed toward him. "Are you okay?" he repeats.

"Yes," Sasuke mutters as he is snapped out of his trance. "I'm okay. Now that I've seen you," he adds inaudibly, but loudly enough for Naruto to hear.

Instead of proclaiming Sasuke's homosexuality and running out of that store like hell, he _chuckles_ and offers to pay for _**ALL**_ of the 'food'. The Uchiha insists that he do not, yet he does it anyway, not even caring about his job.

Sasuke walks out of the store and into a random bathroom, crams the 'food' down his throat, and promptly throws it all back up. Long story short, he is thrown in the hospital, where he is 'treated like dung' and tries to self-induce vomiting. Throughout the whole ordeal, Naruto frequently visits him, despite not knowing what his name is.

In the end, they live happily ever after, and Shino the Drug Dealer marries a tarantula.

P.S. Tarantulas are spiders, and spiders are not insects. And tarantulas are as scary as ffflying emos with missiles strapped to their back and two huge gallons of gasoline in their hands and deciding that life is not worth living anymore. So. Actually, I think that this cliché is very funny.

Reviews: 5

Fangurl268: That is so saddd! :,((((

910b0b: Shino should be given a biger part!

Fangurl137: I agree with fangurl268 that is so saddddd! Im crying rite now! T_T

Writer With A Brain: Wow. Just wow. Naruto and Sasuke are so OOC and what the hell is up with that Shino the Drug Dealer?

Troll102: Bunch of morons.

**Broken** (read: unreasonable)

Summary: Sakura is in an _**EXTREMELY**_ dysfunctional relationship. Will Itachi save her? AU.

Sakura walks into the apartment she shares with (here the author shuffles around a bunch of random names in her mind) Gaara, her boyfriend. She walks toward the kitchen for her favorite snack of the day, a huge bowl of very, very high-fat yogurt which miraculously does not make her obese.

She opens the fridge, and is immediately frozen (pardon the pun—snigger) at what she sees.

Her dangerously high-fat yogurt is now below-dangerous high-fat yogurt! The pinkette breaks into tears. Why did Gaara do this to her? Why? She didn't do anything to him! Except for drop the soap onto the filth-stained floor and forget to clean it on a regular basis, kill his puppy Spot, hideously mutate his cacti collection, and get him fired off his awesome job that he loved, but who doesn't do those things now and then?

Sakura walks into the living room, where Gaara is sprawled out on the couch, watching Man vs. Wild. She turns off the television, trembling with rage. Gaara is confused. "What's the matter?" he asks. _He is so cynical! He is so evil!_ Sakura thinks.

"You're being abusive, Gaara! You slapped me when Spot died, you punched a wall when your cacti collection mutated, and you went home drunk after you got fired! And now you bought a different kind of yogurt for me!" She yells, finally letting out her emotions.

"What the hel—lium?" Gaara says. "_You_ killed Spot, _you_ dipped my cacti in toxic waste, and _you _got me fired! And I still care for you! So now, when I try to get you off that unhealthy habit of eating high-fat yogurt, you _yell_ at me!" He is also trembling with rage.

Sakura, too blinded in her 'rage', was not listening at all. "I'm leaving!"

Gaara spits, "I was going to dump you anyway, you little bit of hell!"

She gasps and tears start streaming down her face. "Fine!" She turns and runs out the door.

Gaara turns back to his television show, regretting nothing. In this episode, Bear Gryllis was demonstrating how to make a shelter—find a log cabin, chop it down, make a box, cut a hole, and stick your head through that. It was ensured that it would be comfy.

Meanwhile, Sakura is on a park bench, crying her heart out. A dark-haired man, one of Sakura's best friends, sits down next to her and wipes off her snot and tears with his handkerchief. "So, what happened this time?"

Sakura blabs. Itachi is taken aback. "He shouldn't dump you because you're a wonderful person and you're beautiful and. . ." he rambles on and on. Sakura is listening to the bullcrap he is spouting. She believes him.

Anyway, all condensed, Itachi and Sakura hook up, and after a day with her, Itachi finally realizes why Gaara dumped her, and does the same. The end.

P.S. This is one of the most annoying ones to date. Just kicking the 'abusive' boyfriend without hearing his side of the story is enough to get me frustrated. Also, even though I hate Sakura, it doesn't mean that I am bashing her. She is just the best choice, since she is a multipairer. If it's too much for you, you could just ad-lib it with another name. Any gender.

Reviews: 3

SakuraIsSoAwesomeLolz: OMG! UR BASHIN SAKURA U SHUD GO TO HELL

Troll102: Hilarious.

Umbrel14: Why isn't Sakura listening to Gaara he is so hot!

**Shimering Lottus** (retch)

Summary: Tnten's hart is brokn will neji fiks iT sry im not good at sumaryz my frst fanfic so plz be nice! PLZ READ!1! Nejiten

Tentn siged "my hrt iz broken" neji lUked at her "i knw how to fiks it" "how/ tenten asked.

He leend forwrd and kissd hr on the liPS.

she gasp and kissd him back.

{The following is censored due to incomprehensible descriptions. We are sorry for the inconvenience.}

The end

P.S. I know that you all agree with me when I say this is the worst kind of fic there is.

Reviews: 5

Luigi8: Please get off fanfiction.

artisabang: Wow. I will go scrub my eyes out now.

Writer With A Brain: Please. Spellcheck.

Troll102: I love this! I am looking forward to updates! (Oh, you sneaky troll)

Fangurl26: u are awesome! Keep up the gud work! Nejiten is so cute!

**A~N: I think that's enough for a chapter. Six in one chapter, I like it. Happy New Year, and apparently Yonbi's true name is Son Goku Kame Hame HO HAA HAA! (I just kept the son goku kame hame ho haa part because I think it's funny.)  
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	2. Chapter Two: To Be Honest With You

**A~N: Hey thar, I was eating fried shark fin and kept laughing whenever I thought about Kisame. Disclaimer in previous chapter.**

**Asylum for the Unoriginal**

**Chapter Two: To Be Honest With You**

**Impossible** (read: impossible pairing. Yeah, you know where I'm going with this, don't you?)

Summary: He was a cocky, arrogant jerk. She was a shy, sweet girl. They were as different as spring, winter moon and sun. (Lesson number one.) What happens when they fall in love. With a twist. AU. Rated M for the, um, ending.

Hinata Hyuuga is being dragged to a club by her friends, Sakura Haruno and Ino Yamanaka. She seems to be reluctant, but deep in her mind, she secretly wants to go. Once there, she parties hard, completely out of character. Completely.

After tiring herself out on the dance floor, she walks back to the seats and sits down, sipping her margarita foxily, her eyes darting around the club like an inmate looking for an escape around a thousand wardens. Except that she's looking for a boy to play with. (Yes, Hinata is OOC on purpose. Pay no attention to the summary.)

Sasuke Uchiha enters the club and orders a beer at the bar. He receives the beer and also looks around. Spotting Hinata closing her eyes from moving them too fast, he sees how beautiful she is and decides to hook up with her. He is hetero-flexible.

He finds out that they both love the same person: Naruto Uzumaki. The both of them have been trying a long, long time (back to kindergarten years)to get Naruto. Sadly and unfortunately, the object of their affections kept dancing out of their reach. Literally. He would dougie out of the way once the conversation got too serious or somebody got too. . . perverted. Yes indeed, Sasuke and Hinata are potential molesters and would actually _be _molesters if Naruto didn't know how to do the dougie.

In the end, they get in a cat fight and Sakura breaks them up, all the while flirting with Sasuke. "So, Sasuke, right? Are you dating anybody?" she asks, batting her eyelashes. Sasuke shoots her in the head with a random shotgun and storms angrily out of the club, not caring about the police. The end.

P.S. When I first heard about this pairing I was like,(to quote Ryan Higa) "WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?" I was completely confused.

Reviews: 7

SasuSaku9764: What? Why did Sasuke shoot Sakura in the head?

Writer With A Brain: I seriously thought they were going to fall in love, and I did expect this from _you_, but seriously?

Troll102: LOL.

Umbrel14: I don't know if I can imagine Naruto doing the dougie.

SASUHINAFOREVERER: WTH THIS ISNT SASUHINA YOU SHOULD CHANGE IT TO "I DON'T HAVE ALIFE" YOU SICK –censored- !1!1

Noob: I don't know. This has a lot of potential. Keep on killing other annoying characters, you could pull this off.

Irealizedsomething: Ohhh, it's rated M for character death. . .

**Genderbend**

Summary: Akatsuki is genderbent! Oh nooo. (Yes, this is my own story.)

"Oh, no, Deidara. It seems as if I have turned into a girl, although I am a puppet and do not have genitalia," a female Sasori wails. "Whatever am I to do." It is not a question, it is a statement.

"I always felt like I was in love with you, and was very confused because I am straight! Let us go make out, since we have overcome the gender barrier! YOUTH!" Deidara replies ecstatically, and a no longer sad Sasori joins him in the living room.

Hidan walks in, now a female. "Oh_ ketchup_, it seems that I have _ketchup_ turned into a _ketchup_ woman! Now I am forced to become a _ketchup _lesbian for Kakuzu, who has also turned into a girl!" She stomps off to go find Kakuzu. Girl Itachi enters the kitchen for dango, and is led by an arm-eating Girl Kisame to the roof where they do things.

Pein, now also a girl, is trying to find the (now male)Konan for molesting purposes. "I SUDDENLY WANT TO MOLEST KONAN! POINT ME TO HER."

Sasori, who is crushed beneath Deidara yet still enjoying making out with him, points to some random direction where Konan turns out to be.

"Oh, Konan-kun!" Pein the Female sings out in a fashion reminiscent of Sakura. Konan shudders but then falls in love with Pein after, like, five seconds. (The summary of most SasuSaku fics.)

Itachi goes on to cry over dango and act like she is smoking something and Kisame is forced to be a substitute nanny to get her out of trouble.

Tobi annoys Zetsu frequently and goes on to get addicted to barbecue sau—mustard. Yeah, mustard.

After marrying and waiting years for Shippuden, they then take over the world. None of them die. The end.

P.S. Oh, okay, okay, I wished I could've done this in the actual ABB(which isn't complete yet), but I was young and noobish then! (I admit, it was last last month that I started it—but that's still young!)

Reviews: 3

AIFSas912: What.

Sasodeiyaoi: I love this!

Writer With A Brain: That was. . . fast.

**My Quest** (retch)

Summary: Asdfalianna Qwerty is on a quest. ItachixOC DeidaraxOC ZetsuxOC NOT A MARY SUE NOT A MARY SUE STOP SAYING SHE IS (with an actual twist!)

AN: So like, thanks, Makuraisu Uchiha for like, betaing me. (this is makuraisu uchiha, please don't resent me, I was roped into this, I swear!) So like thanks to my dog for like, inspiring me!

Asdfalianna Bǖtéyful Bella Alice Janette Sakura Azumi Hinata Suzuki Qwerty had long golden blonde locks that would change into scarlet when she was angry, and a deep royal blue whenever she was sad. She was seventeen and had graceful and elegant curves that would always attract boys to her, and, in college when she was experimenting, girls. She had deep crystal mauve(note from makuraisu, mauve means purple if you don't know, the author thinks nobody knows that word) pools/orbs/hues/eyes that looked deep within your soul and made you love her with only one glance at her pools/orbs/hues/eyes.

Asdfalianna was walking along the dusty road wearing a dress shaped like this ()when she looked up from looking at her red and white striped Miu Miu heels ()and saw the Akatsuki right there! But she wasn't fazed. Not at all. "Oh, it's _you_," she purred seductively. (I, makuraisu, have no idea why the author made her seductive in front of ten S-rank missing-nin.) "Care to have. . . dinner tonight?" she asked two specific members, her beautiful violet pools/orbs/hues/eyes glittering. They quickly said yes.

She stepped around them and walked on, swaying her hips all the way. Her head exploded.

Konan said, "I hate that -censored-!" Akatsuki looked at Konan. She was holding a shotgun which was smoking. Akatsuki continued walking to their destination when they heard Asdfalianna's voice once again.

"You cannot kill me. **I WILL NEVER DIE**."

P.S. No seriously, it's like they never die. Unless it's in a particular fanfic which I love. And I'm thinking of doing this idea wherein—nah. Nevermind.

Reviews:4

ponpon: Wow, you have a surprisingly good beta. Although your story sucks. I liked the twist, though.

Witmycrew: oh no, not another terminator sue

ijustrealizedsomething: Ohhh, she's being seductive to seduce the two guys. . .

SUEPOLICE: WARNING. IF YOU DO NOT FIX THIS OC BY THE NEXT UPDATE, WE SHALL BE FORCED TO HUNT YOU DOWN AND –censored due to extremely horrible descriptions of torture and threats of death –

**The Next Morning**

Summary: The best overused story plot—Sasuke and Naruto get drunk and wake up the day after.

Sasuke Uchiha follows Naruto Uzumaki into a club full of dancing people. Who drink. While eating. And start choking. Sasuke snorts in contempt. They are all so _**stupid**_.

Naruto starts chatting up random people who ogle him, not noticing the stares and the complacent, glazed eyes of each person staring at him, ignoring the mouths lolling open and the drool starting to collect. Sasuke is disgusted with these people and is feeling possessive of Naruto, so he kicks butt, Chuck Norris style, for seemingly no reason, and leads his blonde companion to the bar. Naruto is confused. "What did you just d—"

"BATTOMSU APPSU!" The bartender yells, Japanese style. Naruto is even more confused. "But there isn't any beer yet—"

"Just shut up, Naruto, and drink," Sasuke growls, and starts downing shots of unidentifiable liquid. "Unless you're not man enough," he slyly adds in between shots.

"I'M A MAN!" Naruto yelps, and begins downing cans of beer from nowhere. He crushes them and throws them off to the side.

The next morning, a sophisticated Narrator with a French accent announces.

"Urgh, my butt hurts. . ." Naruto yelped sadly, like an Akamaru deprived of Kibbles and Bits.

"Of course, dobe. Last night when we played Dare-or-Drink we all dared Neji to kick your butt really hard. 'Course, you were too drunk then to protest."

"_What?"_

P.S. This cliché is just so cute!

Reviews: Over 9000+

Most of the Reviewers: OMG SASUNARU EEE!

Some of the Reviewers: This is nicely written blah blah blah.

Few of the Reviewers: Eh.

**When We Were Young**

Summary: Itachi writes a poem for Sasuke.

_You'll never read this__but_

_Do you remember that hut_

_When we were young?_

_Well, I accidentally dropped the cookie there_

_That you ate with great relish_

_Right after it was dropped_

_But you didn't know it was dropped_

_And dirty._

_And I told your fangirls_

_Where you lived_

_Since you told Shisui my secret _

_That was supposed to be kept a secret_

_I was mad at you that time._

_And I told that pink-haired girl_

_That you loved her_

_Hoping you would communicate with others_

_But apparently you hate her._

_But lastly, _

_And most importantly,_

_I . . . took your hair gel with me when I left._

_(P.S. I'm not sorry)_

P.S. When I searched for Itachi poem, I got like, four pages. And most of them were angsty.

Reviews: 20

Half of the Reviewers: ITACHI IS SO EVIL!

Other Half of the Reviewers: THAT'S WHAT MAKES HIM SEXY!

Ijustrealizedsomething: Ohhh, so Sakura could not detect Itachi in a henge?

**-insert number here- Days to -insert retch-worthy idea here(e.g. love, hope)- **

Summary: Sakura/Ino/Tenten is forced to stay at a place for -insert number here- days to get them to fall in love with Sasuke/Shikamaru/Neji. AU.

"I will not go out with you, Sasuke/Shikamaru/Neji, although I secretly have feelings for you which will be developed at a later time and have not realized them yet," Sakura/Ino/Tenten intones with fire in her eyes for no reason.

"Why not? I am the most popular/coolest/handsomest/richest/insert other superficial trait here person in this whole school, and I secretly know that you have feelings for me which have escalated from a crush since the second grade. Hn/how troublesome/destiny," Sasuke/Shikamaru/Neji replies, slightly irritated. Only very slightly, though. He would never hate Sakura/Ino/Tenten.

"Because I do not like you," Sakura/Ino/Tenten answers. She turns around and starts walking away. Sasuke/Shikamaru/Neji quickly comes up with a plan on the spot. "Just give me-insert number here-days, and I swear you will be falling in love with me then," he says. She pauses in that dramatic moment that you most commonly see on dramas on TV. "Okay. I accept."

In a simple matter of days, they fall in love. They then marry when they get old enough, and get divorced at the dinner party. No, I'm just kidding.

P.S. I didn't say which part I was kidding about. Although this kind of fic is one of the best, I couldn't resist. Seems I am falling to temptation too much.

Reviews: 2000+

Half of the Reviewers: Oh no! They got divorced!

Other Half of the Reviewers: Yay! They got married!

Some of the Reviewers: SasuSaku/ShikaIno/Nejiten forever!

**A~N: You can tell I'm getting tired of making up new usernames.**


	3. Chapter Three: Better Safe Than Sorry

**Asylum for the Unoriginal**

**Chapter Three: Better Safe Than Sorry**

**Himegan**

Summary: Naruto experiences trauma which leads to some bedazzled powers.

Naruto is beaten up. This is the child trauma which somehow manages to convince the Kyuubi that Naruto must have some power.

Very long paragraphs centering on philosophy and the Hokage's musing about his daily schedule lead up to the good part.

Naruto wakes up in aroom with white curtains, white walls, and white sheets on the bed. That he is in. It is quite obvious where he is, although he asks the question anyway, since the author wants to add some sort of 'mystery' to the story, but miserably fails. "Where am I, Sakura-chan?" he directs to Sakura, who has just entered the room. His question is never answered.

"Naruto, what did they do to you?" she gruffly screams in a questioning manner. By the way, this scene is set in a hospital.

Naruto, the injured hero, called a hero for the apparent reason of letting somebody beat him up and getting saved by somebody else, nobly says, "They. . . they. . . ." he trails off, looking lost. Sakura is grabbing on to his words. She smiles at him for encouragement. She wants to know what happened, so she can gossip with Ino about it and laugh at Naruto. Naruto is encouraged by this smile.

"They. . . beat me up," he finishes, and looks to the side, tears blurring his eyesight. After he wipes the tears away with the back of his supposedly injured and bruised hand, he notices that his eyesight is. . . weird. It is a subtle change, but something seems odd, somehow. Everything has turned a faint shade of pink. Not so faint that you wouldn't notice it, but not so intense that it would grab your attention. The dresser was pink. The floor was pink. His hand was pink. His jacket was. . . wait for it. . . pink! Also, there were little sparkles everywhere.

He looks back at Sakura, confused and looking for an explanation.

But he is shocked, as he sees Sakura in a frothy red dress with her—ugh—pink hair all curled up and bouncing upon her shoulders. Her forehead protector has turned into a ruby-and-amethyst-encrusted tiara! She also has sparkles around her person.

Naruto faints. He apparently has the power to see 'girls' as princesses. The end.

P.S. I LOVE THIS CLICHE AND I CANNOT LIE!

Reviews: 2000+

15% Of The Reviewers: Blah blah, constructive criticism blah.

70% Of The Reviewers: WHAT A CRAP POWER!11!one!

15% Of The Reviewers: I like it, please update, I have the mindset of a five year-old girl or am extremely curious and want to see the other girls as princesses.

**Futari**

Summary: Futari Haku and the bad—and good—things that come with being a futari. But mostly bad.

Haku starts dragging Zabuza's heavy, heavy body away. He is on his period, and in no mood to be on a mission. In fact, he is so overcome with hormones that he forgets the jutsu to transport Zabuza's 'dead' body away. He grumbles under his breath.

Once at the camping site, he unceremoniously dumps Zabuza on the scorched, burnt grass which had been the recent site for a campfire, and angrily zips down the tent to sleep and stew. Then sleep again, then go kill Gatou.

Zabuza yelps and starts running around, the flames reignited on his back. He regains his senses and puts the fires out with a random obscure water jutsu involving fire hydrants and dog pee. He is mad all right. Very, very mad.

Zabuza runs at the tent and slices it down the middle with Kubikirihocho. (Yay, the author remembers the name!) He looks down and sees Haku glaring at him. All of a sudden, his anger drains and his fear escalates. The end—

Oh, wait, there's another scene?

Naruto is mystified by this beautiful, beautiful girl in pink. It is all he can do not to pick her up, sling her over his shoulder, and run back to Konoha to turn her into a cute cat ear-wearing slave and—ahem, well, Naruto's desires aside, the girl is very, very beautiful.

Haku certainly does not feel very, very, beautiful, beautiful. No. He is on his period. Only a mirror can give him some esteem now. Esteem the size of a mustard seed! And rage the size of a big hotdog! With mustard!

Haku smiles. There is a hint of hysteria, and dementia to it. "Good morning, _shinobi_-san," he says politely. "I am picking herbs."

Naruto returns the smile with his trademark close-eyes-like-a-Chinese-person face. "Really? That's cool!" he says enthusiastically.

"Y—yes. I have to give them to my special person." Haku grits his/her teeth.

"That's cool too!"

"I hate orange!"

"Wow! Cool!"

The full force of Haku's period rears its not-so-pretty-anymore head. "You know what else is cool, _SHINOBI-SAN_? Huh, _huh_?" he almost screams. Damn the mission! He pulls down his pants, along with his underwear. "_ISN'T THIS __**COOL**_?"

Naruto takes one look, screams, and dies inside.

Tattooed on Haku's abdomen is what would be Sakura and Lee's baby. _**AND IT WAS TRULY HIDEOUS**__**!**_ The end.

P. S. Lawl.

Reviewers: 500

99.8% of the Reviewers: WHAT THE—

.1% of the Reviewers: I love Futari Haku and Futaris don't have any periods blah blah.

.1% of the Reviewers: Wow, man, that's a low blow, using menstruation to make something funny.

**Rejection**

Summary: In a modern society where everything is called gay for no reason, Sai is afraid what could happen if he came out. AU.

Naruto stumbles upon a rock. "Darnit! What a gay rock!" he yells, shaking its fist at it. Sai, beside him, looks down and shares a mutual empathy with the rock. _You're hated for what you are_, he thinks. _And because you were in the wrong place at the wrong time_.

Sai and Naruto continue on their not-leisurely-anymore stroll. Suddenly, Naruto gets a face full of white gooey stuff.* He wipes it off with a random leaf that had probably been peed on by a dog, and shakes his fist at a five year-old with a bottle of Elmer's Glue. "You gay little jerk!" he shouts at the kid. The kid looks like he regrets nothing, and sticks his tongue out and flicks Naruto a bird. Cut-out. With the ultra-seriousness of the under six.

Sai—snicker—sighs and thinks more depressing thoughts, now transferred to the kid instead of the rock. _If only it were that easy, kid. If I was just brave enough to tell everybody, stick my tongue out at them, and flick a paper bird at them, I wouldn't need to worry at all._

Naruto notices his sigh. "What's with the sigh,"—here the author snickers(again)—"Sai?" Sai looks off to the side."Naruto, there's something I've always kept secret," he says. "And I was afraid that you would shun me if I told you."

Naruto cocks his head to the side and does his trademark close-eyes-like-a-Chinese-person face. "What is it, Sai? You can tell me anything," says he. "C'mon, I'm not a girl. You can tell me. We guys keep secrets!" he adds in a macho manner.

Sai says, "You would agree with me if you were a girl, you know."

"I would agree with you if I was a girl, boy, or a futari!" Naruto encourages Sai.

Sai steels himself, closes his eyes and says, "I don't like watching lesbians make out." Naruto is unusually quiet. Sai opens his eyes.

"Well, then," Naruto finally manages to utter. "I guess you're. . . gay."

P.S. *YOU THOUGHT IT WAS BIRD POOP DIDN'T YOU.

Reviews: 200+

35% Of The Reviewers: Very. . . depressing.

35% Of The Reviewers: Heh.

30% Of The Reviewers: HOW CAN YOU NOT WANT TO LOOK AT LESBIANS MAKE OUT, ALSO WE ARE STRAIGHT MEN.

**Hidden Away**

Summary: What if Naruto was born a girl? And has to hide as a boy? How annoying are questions in the summary? Find out.

Sasuke Uchiha is in a coma. No, not really. Sasuke is sparring with Naruto. He is very, very bored. He watches Naruto's leg move, and dodges the kick that comes his way. He also dodges the punch that is thrown his way. In short, he dodges everything. And punches Naruto in the face a few times. _A Katon would finish this idiot. A burned/charred/scorched/combusted/flambéd/seared/smoked/smoldering/ignited/incinerated Naruto, only three seals away_, he wistfully thinks._ Too bad Iruka prohibited ninjutsu in this fight._ No, he has not run out of synonyms for burned. Yet.

Naruto, the _obviously male_ village pariah(because that's what most authors call _him_) is sweating and huffing. Finally, _he _executes a spinning/flying kick. Somehow, _his_ jacket lifts and Sasuke sees bandages. He gets curious as to why Naruto, the _male_ village pariah, wears bandages on _his_ chest. He decides to ask.

"You have bandages on your chest, dobe, which obviously means you are a female and have developed the more feminine regions of your body, thus forcing you to use bandages as a covering since you are either not allowed in clothes stores or are too lazy and embarrassed to go to said clothes stores, but I will proceed to ignore this in favour of trying to find out what is under those bandages," Sasuke says loftily. "So, what is under those bandages?"

"I'm not telling you!" Naruto exclaims. "But if you beat me in some spar in which I am confident I will win because I have learned a new jutsu that I randomly picked up from somewhere, cough the second drawer of the Hokage's desk cough, I will show you!"

Thus starts the battle that ends with Naruto taking off _his_ jacket, showing that _he _is actually a _she_. Surprising.

Sasuke then falls in love with Naru_ko_, and they live happily ever after, after Sakura dies of a fireball-related death. The end.

P.S. Questions in the summary are annoying.

Reviews: 50

60% of the Reviewers: OMG SASUFEMNARU THIS IS BETTER THAN THE YAOI FORM

40% of the Reviewers: How the hell does the author know the exact percentage of reviewers saying the same thing?

**Beaten**

Summary: Naruto, through a bunch of random events that do not appear to be linked, ends up saving Hinata's life. Also, excessive stuttering.

Hyuuga Hinata is at the dinner table, eating caviar and some other things. She is angsting about some other _other _things, when Hyuuga Neji comes out of nowhere and sits across her, his icy, frosty, soul-chilling, refrigerating, freeze-drying glare penetrating her. Which part of her body that was penetrated is left unsaid.

The white-eyed heiress cracks a smile at him. "A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ano, Ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-neji-ku-ku-ku-ku-ku-kun, H-h-h-h-h-h-h-ho-ho-hohoho-how a-a-a-are y-y-y-y-y-y-y-you?"

The long-haired boy, instead of ignoring her, continues to glare, and says, "I hate you so much I wish you would die in front of me, a horrible, agonizing, torturous, slow death somehow involving tentacles piercing your stomach and coming out your mouth and black fire, something only the Sharingan can create."

His frightened cousin gasps, like she does not know _that_, and starts crying. "I-I-I-I-I-I-I'm s-s-s-s-s-s-so-so-so-sorry, N-n-ne-ne-ne-ne-neji-ku-ku-ku-ku-ku-kun, I-I-I-I—"

The angry branch member shoves her to the ground, despite the fact that _they were both sitting down_, and stares at the dark-haired beauty with hatred in his eyes. "Sorry, will do nothing, you useless –censored–." The table disappears, and they are suddenly in a field in the middle of nowhere. The moon shines down upon them and stuff. The plot thickens. (Insert annoying Author's Note in middle of story here, yakking about how this actually happened in the author's dream.)

The caged bird starts kicking the girl in the stomach. The main clan member starts sputtering blood, but does not try to defend herself. She pleads for him to stop, but he is not listening. He procures a whip out of nowhere and hits her expertly in her face and what exposed skin she has. "No! No! No!" the abused female screams, but everybody knows that means yes. (Suspiciously, her stutter is gone.)

The guy in the white shirt puts a foot on her mouth to shut his relative up, and lifts a heavy club, with spikes protruding from it, out of his pocket, which is possible, the author argues, since he is a ninja and therefore has a limitless pocket that can hold anything. He hefts the club up on one shoulder, spits on the well-endowed girl, and lifts the club to hit her in the head many times. Insert stars and spiral-y anime eyes.

Uzumaki Naruto is eating ramen for dinner and decides to go take a pee in the bush. The village pariah walks into the bush, and unzips the prankster's pants. After doing the future Hokage's business, the jinchuuriki zips up the blonde's pants. The number-one knuckleheaded ninja hears screams from a field nearby, and the dead-last decides to investigate the weird sounds. There, the tanned boy finds the guy beating the guy's cousin. The whiskered idiot beats the girly-looking brown-haired guy and rescues the pretty girl. The two people marry and live happily ever after. The end.

P.S. The last paragraph is what it would be like if pronouns ceased to exist. The rest of the story is certainly not lacking in noun phrases as well. Also, I do not condone abuse and so on. The whole story is quite OOC.

Reviews: Does it even matter?+

50% of the Reviewers: AHH NARUHINA OMGOMGOMG!1!1!

Other 50% of the Reviewers: The last paragraph sounds like there's a zipping-unzipping-pants-party going on.

**Reborn**

Summary: Madara U****a is reborn. What the hell? (Censored in case of spoilers.)

Madara U****a laughs at Naruto Uzumaki's plight. "I laugh at your plight," he says. His R******n eyes flash and he spits disgustedly on Naruto, and smiles cruelly. (He actually just had something in his mouth, a fly or something, maybe, and had aimed at a spot beside Naruto, but failed at this task.)

Naruto Uzumaki's face is stained with blood, and he allows a grimace to grace(a rhyme?) his features. "So, this is it? I hope you're happy, Madara," he says heroically, even as he is dying and is forced to keep living through sheer force of will. This will, or Konoha's Will of F**e, as many called it, had made him Hokage, and as he lies dying under the foot of Madara U****a, he regrets nothing. Nothing!

Madara is about to say something, when a rainbow flashes out of the _raining sky_ and pink electricity dances all around him in the form of beautiful sparks. His eyes widen, and some of the pink shocks decide to dart into his eyes. He closes them quickly. When he opens them, the concentric r**gs around the pupils in his eyes have turned into the colors of the rainbow. The raven looks down. Naruto has disappeared. Is this some kind of genjutsu?

His life ends as the words die on his lips. ("OH HELP THESE SMOKIN' HOT LIPS ARE BURNING US TO DEATH!")

Madara finally wakes up. He thinks it is in the Underworld since, _seriously?_, there is a mobile on the ceiling with unicorns hanging from it. Also, everything is a fluffy baby blue. In fact, he has grown several sizes smaller. In fact, when he looks at his hands, they are smooth, creamy, pudgy. There are no calluses, no bruises on these hands. _In fact_, Madara is pretty sure he has turned into an infant in the Underworld.

A couple comes in. Insert long description of woman here detailing one particular feature e.g., Her beautiful caramel eyes stared at you, penetrated your soul etc. Insert short description of man here, e.g., He was ugly etc.

The woman lifts him up. (Madara thinks her hands are soft, but not as soft as his, because nobody could beat him. At anything.) She coos at him, and brings out a tube of whatever liquid she has on her at the time. (Ketchup.) Squeezing a bit of ketchup onto her thumb, she draws a line across the baby's forehead, declaring, "This baby used to be a shinobi in his past life, and I am not supposed to know this. But, as the author is either a tard or I am all-knowing, I shall now give this baby the name he used to have in the past life. Plus my last name. Plus a random name from Disney that does not exist here. I now declare this baby Madara U****a-Pachinkoyametsukihanahime-Simba."

Madara grows up, and masters all the five million elements that can be found in the shinobi world, and repeats his past life by stealing the R******n and summoning huge rainbow m****rs from the sky to crush everybody. The end.

P.S. Overpowered Madara say _What?_

Reviews: OVER 9 _MILLION_!

Most of the Reviewers: This is actually a good story.

Some of the Reviewers: This is an okay story.

Few of the Reviewers: The above are morons.

.001% of the Reviewers: How did this get so many reviews?

A~N: Ah, well, _Reborn_ is a preview of the next chapter. Akatsuki Chapter. Woot. And I will only say this for the third and last time.

I own nothing. This applies to all my stories, and all the chapters. I don't own these cliches which were, I assure you-myself, probably formerly original and awesome until people decided to repeat them over and over and over until they got boring and people like me decided to make fun of them. I do own these tidbit stories, though. (PLAGIARIZE AND I WILL-) The idea of a cliché compendium is definitely NOT mine, I do not condone abuse, I don't own Disney, I don't own any references. Also, I heard that Fanfiction adds an automatic disclaimer, so why the hell did I just type this?


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